THE CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER
(OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS)
THE FOUNDING AND DOCTRINE
"I THUNK ABOUT IT"
THE
CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER
A Modern evolutionary synthesis of religious and political thought
as imbodied in
WARD CLEAVER
and the interpersonal relationships of the Cleaver household
THE ETERNAL TRIAD
made up of
WALLY, BEAVER and EDDIE
BEAVER
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WALLY |________________\ EDDIE
The
Supreme Duo
made up of
WARD & JUNE
THE VISION OF THE SQUARED CIRCLE
On the evening of January 9th, 1981, The two Elders of the CHURCH OF
BEAVER CLEAVER, Rev. Elvon Prezton and Rev. Solomon Bombay, at that
time two misguided and lazy mugs, were watching Wrestling on cable
T.V. and drinking coffee. Just as the American Dream, DUSTY RHOADES
was discussing in vivid and glowing terms his next opponent with
nationally syndicated wrestling commentator GORDON SOLLIE, the set
went blank and started to emit a bright cobalt blue beam of light. The
two Elders were held transfixed in the ray and astrally transported
into the circuits of the Quasar television where they met with the
Prophet LARRY MONDELLO inside a bogus silicon chip.
In the elapsed earth time of 2 minutes, the Prophet showed the
Elders every episode of LEAVE IT TO BEAVER including some rare
outtakes and imparted both Esoteric and the Exoteric philosophy of
WARD. The prophet Larry also revealed the HIDDEN SECRET which is known
on earth only by the Elders and can be only hinted at presently
because of certain worldwide preparations to be made before the time
is right for unveiling.
The Elders found themselves in front of the television with an
extremely unpleasant case of sunburn. Although only two minutes had
passsed by the clock, they had actually been with the Prophet for 6
years. The Elders finished watching Wrestling and began to disassemble
the television in search of the chip. Needless to say the chipo was
never found and they couldn't put the set back together, so they
bought a new one at a Motel furnishing sale. Late that night the
Elders drew up the charter of the CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER.
DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTIONS
OF THE
SUPREME DUO
WARD is the paternal deity. He is the head of the household and is
in charge of creating and controlling the social and moral reality
constructs. His complementary partner is JUNE, the matriarchal
deity. JUNE functions to help maintain the structure of reality and
through her intuitive powers spots potential trouble spots. WARD and
JUNE are two separate beings that act as one. They each have certian
qualities that the other is lacking and through this combination they
have achieved a state of balance.
The SUPREME DUO is represented by two interlocking circles. The
circle by it's very nature indicates a complete or whole cycle, or
more precisely, the linear exposition of an infinite event. The two
circles are each shown as possessing a polarity. The shaded areas are
where the polarities are integrated and actually become greater than
the summ of the two seperate components.
This shaded area (the INTEGRATED POLARITY ELEMENT) is the secret
power zone of the SUPREME DUO.
It must be pointed out that there are FIVE conceptual deities and
therefore in accordance with the esoteric law of FIVES.
DESCRIPTION AND FUNCTION
of the
ETERNAL TRIAD
The Eternal Triad should be pictured as a right triangle. The
BEAVER is placed in the uppermost angle point. Beaver is the
embodiment of the pure man or innocent pure being. In the lower 45
degree angle point is placed EDDIE HASKELL. Eddies role is that of the
deceiver, the tempter and in a deeper sense, the essence of
evil. Located in the final angle point is WALLY. WALLY acts as a
mediator between BEAVER and EDDIE. Because of his close relationship
with both, he holds a deep understanding of the intrinsic nature of
the BEAVER and EDDIE archetypes. In the role of older brother his duty
is to guide the BEAVER to do the right thing in the face of
tempation. In the role of best friend his duty is to be both advisor
and socializing factor to EDDIE. The mathematical formula of the
ETERNAL TRIAD is BEAVER 45 degree plus EDDIE 45 degrees equals WALLY
90 degrees (45 + 45 = 90) This is not to imply that WALLY is in any
way superior to BEAVER or EDDIE but is a matter for a deeper level of
consideration.
THE DOCTRINAL LOGO
OF
THE CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER
The symbolic representation of the SUPREME DUO is two interlocking
circles and should be rightly placed above the triangularization of
the ETERNAL TRIAD.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN PROSPERITY???
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE AMERICAN SPIRIT??
DO YOU REMEMBER MORALS??
The CHURCH OF BEAVER CLEAVER answers question to today's problems with
it's declaration of the creed;
"I BELIEVE IN THE BEAVER"
BEAVER AND UFO'S!!
-ELECTROMAGNETIC BRAIN SCANS-
WHO REALLY SHOT J.F.K.???
WHAT DID WARD REALLY DO IN W.W.2 ??
c 1982 C.O.B.C.